Neighbours

And just like that I can go from feeling pretty good, to pretty shitty over the course of an evening.

Just spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom having an imaginary conversation with our bloody neighbours who sort of scared Shannon a little earlier. It was an imaginary, confrontational rant because I am too much of a coward to actually go over there and confront them.

What does that say about me as a mother, that I can't stand up for her?

We came home and found that the harem next door had their music up loud again. Loud enough to where we could sing along. Not really conducive to doing one's homework. So Shannon went over there to politely ask them to turn it down.

The hag who answered the door - a leathery old tart - went off on Shannon. "You guys and your fucking cupboards and fucking slamming the fucking things all the fucking time. We're fucking sick of it."

I think Shannon was a little shocked that the woman kept swearing at her for one thing and for another, we had no idea that opening and closing our cupboard in the kitchen (on which we share a wall with them) was such an issue to them. Shan tried to explain that we're not over here maliciously slamming the cupboard doors just to piss them off but the woman was having none of it. Somehow they worked out a truce or whatever when the guy who lives there told the old bitch to leave Shan alone. She told Shannon they'd turn down the music if we stopped slamming out cupboards. They shook on it etc. and she came home and told me what happened.

I was angry that anyone would speak to my daughter that way and I was fearful that it could have gotten worse. What I should have done was march over there and demand an apology from the trailer ho. I should have told her that no one speaks that way to my daughter. I should have shown Shannon that I love her enough to face my own fears of confrontation to defend her. Granted this wasn't 'showdown at the OK Corral, gang fight in the alley' or anything, but surely it would have meant something to her if she'd known I would do that for her.. I was angry enough. Why couldn't I do anything about it?

Because I was too scared. I don't know how to confront people and speak coherently. All thought processes leave my head and I trip and stumble over my words and I babble like an idiot, which doesn't exactly come across as 'Yikes, I'd better back off.'

So instead, I imagine everything I should have gone and said to them. I play it out in my head over and over until I get my Angry Speech just right. And then I feel guilty because the moment has passed and it would be weird to go do it now, when I should have done it right after it happened. And I berate myself publicly in this blog for being too paralysed with indecision and fear to stand up for my own daughter.

I like to think that, if Shannon was in true danger, I wouldn't think twice about a confrontation. And this occurrence tonight was fairly minor really. But I think I need to try and figure out how to get past this crappy shyness thing that plagues me and has plagued me for most of my life. No confidence. No desire to actually BE a bitch if I need to. I've never wanted anyone to think badly of me, even my shitty neighbours. I'd rather resolve our noise issues with them peaceably rather than through confrontation. But I don't know if that can happen as long as the aging bitch lives there and acts the way she acts. There was no call for her rant at Shannon and I regret that I let her go over and ask them to turn it down. Usually one of the younger girls (and really, we've never been able to suss out just WHO lives there. people come and go) says they'll turn it down but maybe whinge a little that it really isn't very loud and that's it.

That's why I think the kid and I were a bit shocked by leatherface.

Anyway, I probably shouldn't have blogged about this. Just felt the need to see what a chicken I am in print I guess.