Back to the grind

Well it's not really a grind. I like my job. It's just difficult to muster enthusiasm for being here after being away from it for a week. I had 114 messages in my inbox which was not as many as I thought and most of them were just my CNN and Google news alerts. Nobody needed me while I was gone :(

Kelly's coming back to GI for a few days this week. I can't wait to see her. I can wait to haul her ass to Omahahaha back and forth a few times while she's here, but what are sisters for I guess. But other than that it will be good to talk to her again face to face. I've got a lot on my mind right now I'd like to bounce off her.

I guess lately I've been pondering what I want to do and where to go in my life. I think I'd said I had resigned myself to staying in Nebraska at least until my daughter graduates from high school. Now I'm not so sure I can or want to do that. I'm having a real problem in justifying my decisions. I cannot see a very bright future for me here in Nebraska, I hate living here, and staying will mean working in a job I love but for 1 tenth the pay I should be getting. This hospital's never going to raise my pay to the level it should be at, they're too cheap. And I can't stand - I literally feel physically ill at the thought of living paycheck to paycheck like I do for the next 6 years.

The problem is that there is just no opportunity for me here. All Web jobs in this town are basically the same as what I have now. Low pay. I want to go back to school and add another field to my resume. I want to work for the film industry in some capacity. That's been my dream for as long as I can remember. It feels silly to say it out loud - in a manner of speaking and I've never told anyone about it. I never thought I'd ever get to anyway so it was just some little pipe dream tucked away in my mind. But since I've been feeling this need to move away from here and try to further my career, I'm starting to think that maybe it's not an impossible dream. But if I want to do anything about it, I can't stay here. And that means making some big decisions. I need to get over my guilt at taking my daughter away from her grandparents - I need to be up front with her about what I'm thinking about doing so she's not blindsided if I do happen to move. I need to begin actively looking for work elsewhere and not settle for the first thing that comes along. It has to be right, to allow me to save so I can go back to school without having to take out loans.

Anyway these are the things floating around in my mind right now. Who knows, I may not act on any of it. I'm not very good about motivating myself. I talk myself down from grandiose plans all the time. But then I think, if I don't at least try to make things work for the better, then I will be in a rut until I die. My daughter will probably fall into the same traps. I have to sacrifice and take a plunge now and then if I want to get what I want and be happy. Yep.